When you become so disconnected, are you taking the time to reconnect with yourself? You know the feeling when you mix up the kids’ names for everyone else in the family, including the neighbor’s dog? I like to blame that on my ‘mom brain.’ I never underestimated the power of the ‘Mom brain,’ and I always make sure I check the fridge for all lost items (including my purse). So, if we label our forgetfulness on being a mom, what about the other parts of ourselves. The side of you that can spit out the lyrics of your favorite song (aka Shoop by Salt n Peppa).  Or, the person who remembers every detail of your favorite childhood memory?  The simple and obvious answer, your brain. Try taking it a step further and ask yourself, Who Am I? Trying to come up with a simple explanation can become more complicated. We are so used to defining ourselves by all the different roles we play, and forget we also have our own identity. You forget to reconnect with yourself, and you lose a part of your identity. You may be wondering why this matters, and trust me when I say, five years ago, I would be asking the same. Life has a way to make you feel so lost, and the only way back is to reconnect with yourself and have your own identity.

Call me crazy, but knowing the likelihood of giving birth again is very low. It makes me so sad you have no idea. Being a parent brings many memories, which we will all remember. Like those old school lyrics, we will be able to recite all the cute things our kids say. I have the best memories giving birth to my four boys. Writing this gives me warm and fuzzy feelings. Thinking about the smell of their head after their first bath, of course. Opening their eyes for the first time, and that cute little smile, we all want to believe it is real, not from gas.

The day you bring your first baby home is the day, your life will never be the same. No matter what happens, you are forever a mom. It’s a significant role to play and can be overpowering and intoxicating both in a good and bad way. We either love motherhood or find it to be the hardest thing in the world, complicating our lives with ‘mom guilt.’ We wait for our mother’s intuition to kick in and try learning their different cries. Which, some say, will come easy. After having four kids, let me tell you, every cry sounded the same. As far as intuition, that’s one of my stronger suits, but I had to learn to trust my intuition first before I could rely on it. Trusting your intuition starts when you reconnect with yourself.

Before entering into motherhood, we start to form beliefs on how it should be, giving us a standard to live up to. If we can’t meet these standards, we assume something is wrong with us. Self-judgment is worse than feeling judged by others. Our own self-talk can wreak havoc and start to cause us to self-sabotage without being aware.

As I am writing, I had an eye-opening moment for myself. It’s a little off-topic but provides a great example.

Before going through my divorce, I was the most self-motivated person in the world. I would wake up before my alarm went off,  a morning person for sure. The type that would hit the floor running. Gym clothes on, coffee made, and on my way to the gym by 6:30/7am. I kept this up, even after having four kids.

Fast-forward four years, I’m not that same person. I beat myself up every day over it. I can’t understand why I am not that same person. I have negative self talk to the max and self-sabotage to the point that it affects my mental health. But, I realized I am trying to live up to a standard of whom I used to be. While I recognize the benefits, I have to accept that so many things have changed. I can’t keep trying to live up to my self-imposed expectations. I’ve learned to let go of the ‘victim mentality,’ so I don’t like to blame my shortcomings on outside circumstances. The aha moment I mentioned above comes from realizing I am trying to live up to whom I used to be.

Sometimes our circumstances create significant lifestyle changes. I went from being a stay at home mom, supporting my kids on my own without financial or physical support. This becomes a lifestyle change, not a circumstance. Who I was prior, is not who I am now. Attempting to live up to those same expectations is causing more harm than good. I will get there, but I realized it’s ok to let go of those self-imposed expectations.

From a society standpoint, there’s a stereotype that mothers should look a certain way. Where do you think mom jeans came from? While I love me some mom jeans, especially the brand Mother, no pun intended, why should we change our sense of style? I’m well aware of all the body changes, and “mom jeans,” definitely help hide our trouble areas. But, I think it makes us rethink our style, living up to what society defines as a mom. There’s even a trend or “thing” with cutting our hair super short. Whether this comes from a need to cut down on time it takes to get ready or find ways to be more comfortable. Trust me when I say, there is no judgment on my end. Always do what makes you happy and the most comfortable in your own skin. Some women prefer minimalist or comfort over fashion. Regardless of your sense of style, your style before having kids doesn’t have to change. Even when life feels like a circus you can find something to fit your style.

Relationships after kids. If your married, I’m sure you remember the day you met your spouse. You developed a relationship and love for one another. They were the first person you greeted when you came home, and the last person you said goodnight to. Enter your first child. The focus has shifted, becomes more about the kids and all the MANY things that come with being parents. As parents, our natural instinct is to put kids first, and in many circumstances, is necessary. But, the foundation of your family is the two of you. Marriages are like running a business. It requires time and effort. Marriage and kids is a topic on its own, and many factors need to play out. I’ll save it for another post. But the first step is to reconnect with yourself and find what makes you, you.

The relationship with ourselves, in my opinion, is the most important. Yes, you are a mom, wife, sister, aunt, employee, etc. The more prominent role you have always played in life is YOU! A quote I remind my kids is also a reminder to myself.

Making sure you put your oxygen mask first is a must, if you want to be able to take care of others. Your mental health and own sense of identity, outside of motherhood, is like oxygen is to breathe. The best gift you can give your family is the complete version of yourself.

Like any relationship, you have to get to know the person first. When you want to reconnect with the part of you, outside your roles, you have to make time for yourself. Discovering your passion gives you something to look forward, and energy to last for days. When you reconnect with yourself only gets you closer to that goal.

As you reconnect with yourself on a deeper level, it creates self-confidence. Through confidence, you learn to stop comparing yourself to others. When you live your life for you and what’s best for you, parenting becomes more natural. We tend to live up to these expectations, and most of the time, we aren’t even aware. When we do things to go along with everyone else, it’s usually coming from fear of judgment. When we aren’t true to ourselves, we create a false sense of identity, which becomes exhausting.

As a single mom of four boys, who has and still does struggle with mental exhaustion, I know it’s easier said than done. Finding the time is the first issue, but the more significant question is finding what works for you. There are many ways for you to take time for yourself, but selecting something off a list and doing it isn’t enough. If we go through the motions, don’t understand our’ why,’ we start to feel conflicted. Taking time away from things ‘we think’ are more important causes’ mom guilt.’ Understanding the big picture is what matters.

What SHOULD this be the first step to reconnect with yourself?  

Notice I emphasize SHOULD. There is no right or wrong way to do anything when it comes to self-discovery. There are plenty of recommendations and guides to follow. But, what works for one person doesn’t mean it will work for another. This is your journey. 

1. Discover your core personal values.

Why? Because it begins an intimate conversation with yourself. Defining what’s important, you will start discovering your truth. Start with something called a ‘brain dump.’ You can start with a prompt or not, but the point is to write for 10 minutes, uninterrupted without lifting your pen. You write everything that comes to mind. Even if it looks like this.

Who am I?(the prompt I chose to start with) I am a mother to four boys, nurse, sister, daughter. I don’t know what else to write, so I’m going to keep writing. Why is this so hard for me, I hate writing about myself. But why? This is crazy. 

I did about a 30-sec brain dump and wrote what precisely what came to mind. The longer you write, the more you say, the more you describe yourself, the more you reconnect with yourself.

To discover your actual core values takes some time and effort. Try to commit taking one step a day towards your goal—a simple Google search, journaling, or a values quiz. The benefit is amazing, especially what it can do for your psyche. 

Reconnect with yourself and have more confidence in parenting

Applying personal values in parenting allows you to have more confidence in making decisions. Your core values make up your ‘why.’ Basing your decisions on your values, you no longer compare yourself to the other parents. You understand your ‘why,’ which allows confidence in your style of parenting. As you continue to stay true to yourself, you will feel a real sense of fulfillment in your everyday life.

Making a decision without core values

Let’s say your son or daughter got invited to a birthday party. Depending on the time of the year, this could be the first one of the year or the 20th. Regardless, there are more birthday party invitations than space on our calendars. Enter sports, and your weekends become packed. When you go to RSVP for that party, look at your schedule and realize you will be running around all weekend. You hit ‘going,’ mark it on your planner, in the tiniest handwriting fitting it in with the many other things. You take a deep breath as your head spins, wondering how you will manage this crazy schedule in the world. You do it, because why not? As long as there’s nothing else scheduled for that time, we will make it work. 

You get the invitation, look at the family calendar, and realize the day is full of kids’ sports. While the timing works, you understand that as a family, you haven’t had much quality time, which is the only time to do so. You decide to RSVP ‘no,’ based on what is most important to you based on the circumstances.

Let’s say you have ‘family’ as a core value, but don’t agree with the above rationale. Everyone’s view of ‘family’ as personal value isn’t going to be the same. The above example comes from prioritizing quality time as a family. If you have ‘family’ prioritizing ‘fun,’ you would most likely choose to RSVP ‘yes’ and go as a family. The beauty of personal values is, you define their meaning.

Our mental health plays a significant role in the way we live our lives. Knowing our why can help us feel better about the decisions we make. Your personal values provide a foundation for how you choose to live your life. As you make decisions guided by your values, you start to feel a real sense of self-fulfillment.

Without overthinking, what would you say one of your core values is? What is one way you reconnect with yourself? Comment below, and if you have time, acknowledge someone for their unique core value. Remember, everyone is different.

xoxo ♥

Sketched by a HAUTEmess